What I Wish I’d Known When I Came Out And Began My Public Transition
When I came out as a trans male at school, it was durring my freshman year of highschool, on the very first day. As soon as I came out, I began my public transition.
I told all my teachers my chosen name and pronouns, when I met people I’d introduce myself as Kaine instead of my deadname, I told all my friends, and I started correcting people when they used my deadname or female pronouns.
It didn’t take more than a month for my name to be accepted as Kaine, and my pronouns as he/him. It was also very rare for me to hear my deadname (at least in school – home is a very different situation).
When I decided to publicly transition, I thought it’d be a massive relief to only hear Kaine and male pronouns. However, it was quite the opposite.
I’d spent 14½ years living as a girl, using female pronouns and my deadname. So to suddenly hear Kaine and he/him came as a shock to me. I would either not respond to it at first, or look up feeling startled, shocked, and confused.
Hearing my deadname at home was suddenly a lot more comfortable than hearing Kaine at school, and my new name made me cringe a bit.
I started questioning if I was actually male, or if I’d just been confused. It caused a massive identity crisis, which was taking place as I was trying to get used to highschool.
I was so used to my deadname after 14½ years, that my real name didn’t actually feel like it was a part of me. It felt like I was faking it or pretending.
This is, apparently, a very natural reaction to have. I wasn’t faking it, and I wasn’t confused. It was just a shock and my mind had yet to adapt.
By the time we were halfway through the first semester, I was totally used to my name. My deadname felt uncomfortable and awkward (even though I still heard it at home), while Kaine felt easy and natural.
When you begin publicly transitioning, hearing your chosen name is going to feel strange at first. You’ll feel like you’re faking it, and might not actually be trans.
But I promise you that this feeling won’t last. You’ll adapt, and hearing your name is going to feel amazing.
My deadname no longer feels like it’s a part of me, and I don’t respond to it. If I say it or hear it, I don’t associate it with me. If I meet someone else with that name, I don’t think, “hey we share a name”, I just think that it’s THEIR name. It no longer holds any connection to me.
I’m currently on summer holiday, which means I’m hearing my deadname all the time, and my real name very rarely. When I go back, and hear my name every day, it’ll feel a bit strange, but I’ll adapt a lot faster than before.
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